The First Year

This would be so much cooler if I had started this blog on January 1st and I was writing this on December 31st... Close enough.

 

(But let's be real, I kind of half-ass most things anyway.)

 

Here are some of the things that happened this past year to me:

• I wore a funny hat and this is basically Janelle's fault
• I became friends with Taylor Ashcraft and everyone disapproved
• I got locked out of the school and cried on his brother's shoulder (oh heaven help me)
• I fell in the toilet
• I went to a birthday party over the internet
• Everything had to do with band, guard, or people in band and/or guard
• I had no idea who Caitlin would become
• I called Tony a "great kid" for the first of many times (and became a drum major)
• I took an astronomy lesson to heart a little too much
• I obviously had a really busy week in March and I apologize
• I began to fall in love with my three drum majors
• Nathan died, and I kind of lost it after that
• State was all about winning and, once again, losing
• No wonder people thought I liked Taylor
• I came up with the absolute best way to name babies
• SL found its way to my blog because May was so boring
• I was pretentious
• I read Catcher in the Rye
• Charlie McDonnell taught me it's okay to be an introvert
• I wrote the shortest post about the longest week
• Band made things not suck
• I loved The Great Gatsby
• Heather gave me a square of duct tape
• I told a lot of people I loved them
• Janelle helped me end one thing and begin another
• I was struck by imaginary lightning
• I realized you can never have too many band posts
• Tony asked
• I answered
• We all had a really fun time
• I wrote a speech on love, kinda
• The best boys ever came to my rescue
• I made the worst analogy ever
• A class full of band kids is a blessing and a curse
• I told one person I liked them
• I still can't believe I'm a senior
• I was scared to death and they saw beauty in life
• My band is full of 9freakin59 babes
• I tried to convey how amazing my life is and came nowhere close
• I was am scared basically all the time
• I used to hate myself basically all the time
• Heaven destroyed Hell
• Lortab. If you don't know the stories, just ask.
• I found true love
• I wrote a boring post about Preference

There was a lot of crying this year, done by me and others and me because and for others and others because and for me, but mostly me. There was a renewal in my love of reading and writing. There were kidney stones and surgeries and an abundance of orthodontic work. There was laughing and loving and more crying. There was BAND. Preethi and I have been friends for four years and counting. I was so sad, but I had little reason to be. This next year will be better, fingers crossed.

 

Oh, by the way. This year ended the way it began: making a blog because of Janelle. Check out our new collaborative music blog, please and thank you.

Blesséd Stupidity

Tonight, I played Just Dance. I screamed when I tried to make a snowball. I was part of a chain of bodies as I was dragged across the floor and until I was held by my wrists and ankles and carried around, described as looking like a flying squirrel. I had an asthma attack, made all the more worse by my laughing. I sat on a lot of people, most of them accidentally. I helped lock a bunch of boys out of the house and felt scared out of my skin when I opened the door for them. I felt so silly and stupid and ridiculous. I felt alive.

I also played with Janelle's hair. I was the bookends of Taylie's night as we discussed Christmas and love. I sang with Tony and Janelle as he played a guitar, us three so calm and happy and in our own world. I felt so relaxed and peaceful and lucky. I felt so good.

Here I am Alive

2/3

Wednesday was fun. I went to my first Latin Club activity like the lazy child I am. Thankfully, Caitlin was there, and the new bass clarinet Brady child hung out with us. We all snuggled together on bales of hay and sang Christmas carols in Latin had a big nerdy party of a time. The best part was probably when Caitlin and I were discussing the perfection that is the second movement of "Kingfishers Catch Fire," and Brady told us he thought we were cool for talking about composers the way most girls talk about football players.

After we stayed late to clean up and inadvertantly fallin in love with a One Direction song, we eventually found our way to the section leader retreat at Logan's house. We played a hilarious game and a game hat scared the crap out of me and a game that drove me crazy until Cam pulled me aside and deliberately showed me how to figure it out, bless his soul. Once the boys started playing sting pong for at least an hour, I got tired and weepy and Lortaby. All hope was lost, until JR said diet soda tastes better than regular and the girls went to Caitlin's, where we talked and listened to music until we all trailed off at the same instant.

Thursday was good. We went back to Logan's, and his father made the best pancakes ever. We were all kinda dead, but we just chilled and played more dumb games. Logan and both of his parents left one by one, but Caitlin, Joe, Tanner, Kaitlyn, and I just stayed there, laughing and looking at memes and slowly dying from lack of sleep.

That night, I went to a ska concert since Jacob Baldwin was playing in one of the bands. I felt awful since it took me so long to get there and park that I missed his band, but the rest of the concert was brilliant. I'd never listened to ska, and I instantly fell in love with the distorted guitars and piano and the blaring loud horn sections and the sultry, soulful, and simple vocals. It made me so happy, I couldn't help but jump up and down and smile the whole time. The crowd was energetic and joyful, the room was lit by pulsing colored lights, the spirit of the room was youthful and peaceful (in a rockin kind of way.) Jacob asked me dance during the one slow song of the night, and it was adorable how cautious and gentle and nervous he was, though he tried to be a good sport. What a child. It was such a fun concert, and I'm dying to find some more to go to.

Today sucked. It sucked so much. Today was one of the worst days since we've lived in Utah. But I guess that's life: two out of three days were good, but it ended badly and kinda just made me forget how glad I was to be alive. I'd almost be okay with the world ending this minute.

Domo Arigato

I've got a secret, and I haven't told it to anyone.

Granted, that's how secrets are supposed to work. But we have all been told something and after swearing secrecy, tell our mom or our best friend or our journal, someone trustworthy and far removed from the situation (or so we think). I'm a bit ashamed to say I usually do.

But I haven't this time. This time, I've kept it totally private, and I've learned that I can do (though I might be busting at the seams by the end). It wasn't my secret to share, I don't want to incriminate the person who told me, there's a whole series of unfortunate events just waiting to happen because of my hypothetical inconsiderate and vapid actions.

(But I had to say the smallest of somethings, hence this post.)

Thankfully, the secret will hopefully be publicized today, either confirming it or making it merely a bad dream.

Preference

Tonight was magic. I felt classy. I felt sophisticated. I felt pretty, even though my hair was surely a mess and my teeth will always be distracting. My date was snazzy, sharp, and wearing a tux. My date was Logan, St. Logan, who was charming and witty and kind. My group was beautiful: Caitlin and Cam, Janelle and the long lost Brett, Erin and Tony, and my favorite Breather. Or Hayden. Or Heathen. You know who I mean.

We froze to death taking pictures. We ate fancy pizza. We danced to "Radioactive" like none other. We got locked out and went on a walk to Caitlin's house. We devoured crepes. We laughed. We sang. We danced. Mostly, we laughed. We were just happy.

I love those people so much. I love Logan. I'm so lucky to be friends with him, I can't even tell you. I'm falling asleep and it's screwing with my blog. Good night.

Notes from Financial Lit

I'm going to miss my Financial Literacy class. I'm going to miss beating up Chris. I'm going to miss Drew's snarky comments and Marty's ferocity when someone tries to keep them apart. I'm actually going to miss learning about investments and tax forms and credit reports and feeling that much safer in my future. I'm going to miss making the acquaintance of Braeden and Jace. I'm going to miss Coach Kelley's stories of his kids' quirks, his financial/wrestling history, and his biased political views. I'm going to really miss having time to spend with Logan in our class, developing our friendship with our own special inside jokes and laughs and tears. I'm really going to miss Gage, who I have grown to love so dearly in the past couple of months. I don't know what I'll do without his notes and pictures and hilarious faces.

We played Cash Flow. We passed out in our desks. We sang Queen at the top of our lungs, and we announced the Montezuma-Cortez High School Marching Band too many times to count. We got warning glares from Coach Kelley, and we enjoyed being "the back corner," the group of crazy kid who never strayed from their friendship and always managed to get the notes down. We were rebellious, lackadaisical, and pure in our high schooler experience, and we came out on top. Financial Lit, the most boring required class, became a haven and a sanctuary of sorts. We loved, and we now leave, parting ways and slipping into the practice of mere high fives in the halls (if we're lucky).

I'm going to miss them.

...

I feel I should say something about the shooting. I feel like I'd rather not. Not tonight, but not for forever. If we don't talk about it, those children will vanish even further, and we will be at fault.

The Concert

I went to the junior high band concert tonight to go support my little ninth graders. The night was chugging along, full of out of tune Christmas classics and stolen conversations with high schoolers. As the top band got ready to play, Jacob Baldwin and I finally went and sat down in the actual audience. I was enjoying their simple, though thankfully in tune, medley like any kindhearted band enthusiast would. And then the played a slow piece, and I started crying.

On the stage, I saw my freshmen, my babies I had met and encouraged and loved. They were playing a beautiful piece of music, and I proudly remembered their struggles to pass off music on time and the journey they've made since then. They weren't sweaty, they weren't tired, they were smiling like I had seen them smile at the end of competitions and successful practices.

They looked so nice in their tuxes and dresses, and in them, I saw both the future and the past. I saw their bright hopes and dreams and aspirations. They are the future drum majors and section leaders and marchers of the week. Magna erunt; magna sunt. But then I saw myself. I remembered the swing of Mr. Piwetz's mustache, I heard the great pieces "Summer Dances" and "Loch Lomond" in my head, I felt the satisfaction of hitting a high G for the first time. When their French horns soared, I remembered Shanti, and Hans was brought back with a single clarinet run. I tried to see myself as an eighth grader, so small and delicate and adorable as they were, conducting my own band. I was a mere child! And yet, if I could do it, so could they. Again, it all went back to their futures. Going further down the road, I saw them becoming band directors and leading my children through their first concert, the steamy stage lights and countless eyes and adrenaline weighing them down with such ironic joy.

Afterwards, I got to see them. Summer smiled wide and questioned incredulously, "you came like you said you would." Cam's adorable Spencer ran up to, smiling and jumping up and down and repeating my name. I thanked Dallin for their performance, and I told Eric, Michael, and Stephanie of how they made me cry. They were so happy and loving and immediately accepting, I was just overcome with feelings of true love.

They are beautiful souls. Truly.

Drugs

Emma does not do well with Lortab. If she doesn't eat before taking it, she gets so nauseous, it's kind of scary/disgusting. When she eats, she cries over anything and everything.

I'm not even kidding.

Moral of the story: Emma needs to stick with Motrin.

An Early Christmas

[published Tuesday, December 11]

Driving on my own is like a sacred experience. Sitting in the parking lot after guard practice, I can turn the heater on, choose whatever station I please, adjust my mirrors and my seat just the way I like as my mom's key chains dangle against my leg... There's just such a pure and unadulterated sense of bliss; so simple, and yet it's simplicity is what attracts me to it. As I drive on the fairly empty streets, I don't have to worry about hurrying home or trying to please anyone. Every time , I think maybe I'll stop in at Caitlin's or go to the store, but I just smile and push all trivialities from my mind. It's just me and the road and slightly concerning dim headlights.

Both guard practices were mainly drill; there was only a touch of learning work at the end. Although drill is infuriatingly boring, it sure beats technique, which had me quaking at the mere thought. But oh, then the work. I adore learning work. I may suck at making it strong or making it look nice or even succeeding at all, but I can damn well learn routine like nobody's business. It's super fun, and what with it being partner work, that just adds a dimension that reminds me that I could never quit guard and be happy about it. Ever.

Logan answered me tonight. Yes, I know it's been a month and a half, but I honestly don't care. It was so cute and made my heart melt like a joyful little benign volcano. I came home to a bouquet of roses, a Symphony bar, and a card with a poem he proudly stated to have written all by himself. The whole card and everything was so adorable and so precious and so Logan, I couldn't even handle it. My dad was annoyed by all my awwing and happy dancing, to say the least.

In other news, Tony and Janelle and I slept in the snow just as #yellowcardtoldusto. Dressember is going quite smoothly. Our Crime and Punishment book group is smashing, I have a perfect new favorite song ("Love is Easy" by McFly), and Eli is Mormon.

Life is so good.

Sleep Overtook Me

My oral surgery went well today. I wasn't totally crazy and hallucinatory on the anesthetic this time. My pain med nausea only lasted a couple hours.

But what really made today so much better than what it could've been was a little show called Lost and, much more importantly, a little program called Skype. After conversing with Caitlin for over two hours, we both skyped Eli. We laughed and played videos and fell back into our short summer friendship with ease. We decided to go on a double date, Caitlin with her Tooele man and Eli and I on our second date. We might go to the zoo. I haven't been to a zoo since I was 11 or 12, and the thought of being there with one of my best friends and one the craziest men I've ever met fills me with this hope that adulthood won't suck so bad and maybe someday I will have a man of my own, even if he lives far away from.

I'm growing up. I can handle things. I can go to the zoo.

Jessie's Guy?

It seems like the majority of the guys I know have a woman. Almost everyone of the ones I'm friends with ain't single, which is fine by me. I'm not attracted to them. But to see them, such kind and noble and hilarious souls, I see what I want in my own man who has yet to show.

Brayden always has a smile and a high five for me and seems unbelievably sweet towards his love. Gage is witty, artistic, and a honking nerd who's a little too enthusiastic about his girl in public, but even then I can't blame him. Taylor has always been a good friend to me, him and Sabrina were truly the best I could've asked for in my transitionary period here (I wish them the best in their future). Logan defends his girl and their love. Cam, despite all his lady problems of past, is the most perfectly twitterpated goofy honestly enamored sweetly loving boy I've ever met. Erik makes me laugh. Baugh is such a character, I think everyone can't even. Will is a hilarious little hipster. Bradan puts up with me, even going as far to sincerely compliment and hug me.

These boys? They aren't stupid; I am grateful to have them at all in my life, and each of those special girls they care about are so very blessed. Boys aren't a stupid race of creatures, whose sole purpose is to break girls hearts. Girls aren't stupid either, for becoming so unrequitedly attached. It's the adolescence and the high school and awkward hormones that are at fault here.

I know there's no need for me to feel forever alone or personal inadequacy based on the lack of men lining up for me. But the fact that there's not even one sweet child with a wilted flower in his hand or a love note hastily scrawled upon his heart for me right now if the icing on top of a depressing cake. It's probably the kind that sunk in the middle cuz it's too moist to be enjoyable and since you didn't let it cool, the frosting is chunky and pooling at the bottom. Dang I'm hungry.

I've always heard you can't love others until you love yourself. I think "others can't love you until you love yourself" is much, much more accurate.

The End of Hell Week

Honor band was spectacular. It was worth the 16+ hours in three days and the extreme pain my upper lip went through. I made friends, I "partied," I laughed, I cried. I made music. I fell into others' music. I sat on that stage, taking in the lights and our sweet conductor's smile and listening to the trumpets swell and the clarinets groove along. There really is no good way to explain band to those who have never experienced being in a magnificent concert band. It was simply great.

I went to the Baldwins' house tonight, even though my body screamed (is still screaming) for sleep. It was magnificent; I just love spending time with people, gosh darn it. Everyone bought my BS definition in Balderdash. Tony put together a sonic screwdriver, and Bradan hugged me of his own volition. We made a sort of cuddle train, with Erik leaning on Joe and I on Erik and Jacob on me and some auxiliary additions on the sides and by our feet. We were all snuggled together and breathed in and at the same time and such compression felt safe. I felt a sort of comfort that I would not have had with strangers or family or a bunch of giggling guard girls. It was nothing romantic, it was just warm, a safe haven where you felt warm and calm and soft delight while you watched the live action Grinch.

This was a really difficult week, but I made. It was excruciating at times, but I found a number of positivities each and every day. It was a perfect little microcosm of life, and while I'm so glad it's over, I'm so glad it happened.