Pony Moments

Our first official drum major sectional was today. Logan and Cameron taught me and Caitlin how to spin and toss mace. We learned that Logan listens to old folk tunes about little baby duckies and then conducted "100 Years," which we all know is the best Five For Fighting song in the world. We talked about women giving birth in parking lots and our favorite foods and how Cameron shall always be interrupted. Caitlin and I discovered we were both wearing clothes from the boys' section at Walmart, and I apologized to Logan for Janelle's proclamation of our supposed future marriage. Cameron's shoe was stolen and Logan, Caitlin, and I went out to find his car had been attacked with paint. We dropped Caitlin off and talked about sickly bushes, and Logan reluctantly dropped me off at the bus stop next to a "nice" man (a total hobo/creeper. You know, the usual on the bus).

Can I just say I'm so terrifically excited?

Back on Track

I'm anxious I might have to drop to drop Latin so I can take Health and Fitness just in case I want to graduate. I'm nervous I'll start crying at guard or that my mother will forget to put together the star award. I'm terrified thinking of the fact that I'm not entirely sure where my Shel Silverstein book is and that it might be lost for all eternity.

I did read 155 minutes of scripture today, though. Our seminary class stayed after school to eat pizza and reclaim our spot in our scriputural March Madness. Instead of a boring reading session, it turned into a set of fantastic mini-lessons on Joseph in Egypt, forgiving others and ourselves, overcoming evil with good, faith in the face of danger, and Nephi's parting words. Us 5-7 offered comments and dug through footnotes and marked our pages like crazy. Honestly, I didn't feel this astounding witness of the Spirit like you might have expected, but just being there, that was enough. It was like an English class, dissecting a piece of literature and finding the beauty God prepared and protected.

Also, I got a 32 composite score on the ACT now. I feel slightly smart. That is all.

Three Flamingos

I got a new Shel Silverstein book today, "new" meaning a posthumously published collection of never before published poems and drawings. This man embodies childhood, innocence, just plain fun. The simplicity in his poems evokes a truth so strong and definite, you have to take his word for whatever he says. This book is really so tender, it makes me want to cry. Just look at how the book starts off:

"YEARS FROM NOW"
Although I cannot see your face
As you flip these poems awhile,
Somewhere from some far-off place
I hear you laughing--and I smile.

The book then ends with:

"WHEN I AM GONE"
When I am gone what will you do?
Who will write and draw for you?
Someone smarter--someone new?
Someone better--maybe YOU!

If that doesn't make your poor little heart want to break, then you need to read more children's poetry. Note that "children's" is used quite loosely here.

I would write more and read more and eat more, but alas, I have practice tomorrow morning. I'll attempt to refrain from negative comments now.

When Life Transcends Reality

I had a beautiful weekend, one of the most fantastic in all existence. A weekend of firsts, honestly. Let's quickly breakdown:

#1: First Date
I went on my first date ever. I took the wonderful, adorable Will Best, Janelle the energetic and enigmatic Brett Anderson, and Heather the ultimate attractive nerd Ross Lee. We were such teenagers in the best possible way. We got to the dance late and left early, cut bread extra sexily, searched the stars for Simba, drove without seatbelts since we were standing up through the sunroof, and ended the night with talks of our fancies and plans of a second date. Such is the tale of the three person climax, gay couple, and loner ;)

#2: First Sleepover in Utah (since we're not counting cousins)
Went straight from my date to Allison's house. Chilled with her and Sam and Arianna and compared different cookies and talked about guard and band crap for eons. Went to sleep on the edge of the bed and woke up to find Sam's sleeping face an inch away from mine. Scared the crap out of me, but I love snuggling.

#3: First Time Seeing Hunger Games
Went straight from Allison's to Hunger Games! GAH it was so good! So very similar to the book, so emotional, not so gory, so beautiful. Peeta was gorgeous, sweet, wonderful beyond belief. Adding him to my short list of blonds that are actually attractive: Tom Felton and... Peeta.

#4: First Young Women's Conference
I'm getting too tired, so I'll just say it was good. There was a bit of cousin lameness, but I did run into Sabrina, Taylie, and Marjorie, so that was all good.

Why can't life be a continuous string of laughing, loving, learning, traveling, words that may or may not start with the letter "l"? I got home from church and spent hours doing math and astronomy homework. I have to go to early morning practice and I wasn't able to learn or practice hardly at all since last practice. I have a test and have to figure out how to get to my group project after my first band council meeting.

Why does reality how to come back so vengeful? Darn good weekend, making me think that life was so easy and perfect.

Stars

People think I'm a star, that I'm a drum major, the first colorguard drum major, the one who brings about the unification of Germany (so to speak). Everyone's expectations of me are magnificently higher; guard expects me to represent and be a freakin boss, band expects me to be darn freaking good and prove that a guard girl actually deserves this.

They're expecting this from the girl who cried for hours at practice because she was taken out and physically hurt and pissed off. I kept thinking of the two people who believed the most in my guard abilities, Micaiah and Taylor, and repeating in my head, "Micaiah's gone, Taylor's wrong. Micaiah's gone, Taylor's wrong." I imagined feeling everyone's eyes on me and seeing their respect for me steadily fall.

And yet, I got the star award. I knew they would give it to me, but had still spent hours hoping and praying they'd change their mind. I got it solely on the fact that I made drum major, and the last one I got was for learning "the whole show" in four days when I moved here. It really wasn't all that much and it kind of felt like a "Hello! We are going to give you the award we present for high merit to you, new stranger, since we have no gift to present." I just don't like getting the star award for reasons I feel are not related to guard.

I feel I am a "red giant" star, gaining energy and expanding but never before. But that means I'm a dying star, waiting to blow up and be ignored by the universe until billions of years down the road, someone sees our pinpoint of light. Before though, I'm just hoping to.not become a diminished, helpless, depressing white dwarf...

(though we all know that not possible cuz I'm Mexican)

Human

Today was an awesome day, in the literal sense of inspiring awe and wonder.

I made drum major! I really did, and I'm so very excited. It's me, Logan (who the guard has decided I'm marrying and who Janelle told of that very decision right in front of me... I can't help but still love her), Cameron, and Caitlin, my bestest new friend. I was ambushed by throngs of people thrice, each larger than the last: the other drum majors, A Guard, and then Open. The guard is enamored with me, as if I've become their hero and guiding star. That's really not true; I'm just hoping to make them proud.

I went to the temple today for the first time in forever, maybe even years. It was so crowded and it took me four hours to do two baptisms and three confirmations with the Laurels, but I was still so grateful.

Preethi wrote me a great letter. I wrote an awesome post on my middle school band director's wall.

I love Tony's attitude. You have no idea how much I adore his bright, cheery, optimistic outlook. He's a great kid.

It's great to be human and receive love and support, to be trusted with responsibility, to work hard and fight and pray and succeed.

It's hard to be human and reject someone you just don't want to be with.

It's beautiful to be human and serve the Lord.

It's rough to be human and feel fatigue and anxiety and shame.

It's fun to be human and talk with friends about the weirdest things and know that they'll understand and listen and enjoy your company.

It's weird to be human and be put on a pedestal, to "make history" and receive a little too much praise.

It's fantastic to be human and have that one friend who thinks you're great and who you think is fabulous and to just love each other for being funny, intelligent, helpful, honest, fantastical, good people.

It's tough to be human and to not only feel like you're being judged because of that friend, but to see them so happy and to remind you not of a future that some might hope for, but a reminiscent past.

It's thrilling to be human and play music like you've never done before.

It's interesting to be human.

The TARDIS searched for that word, that big word, that was so happy and so sad.

"Alive"

It's amazing to be alive.

So Excited!

Drum major auditions were today, and I feel I did quite well. At least, I certainly hope so. I am so grateful to Taylor for pulling me aside before hand and telling me to breathe and making me feel smart and saying why I would do great. I'm grateful to Jessie for telling she voted for me and being so gleeful about it. I'm thankful to Sam and Arianna and Sierra and Maddie for sticking around and smiling at me. I'm thankful for Caitlin and her willingness to wait with me even though she was dying to go home, I'm sure. The support I've received has been so great, and I'm glad to have acquired friends and experiences, regardless of the outcome. But I'm just so excited to see if I made it! We'll just have to wait and see...

Basically How I Feel About Kony 2012

Rebelling in the best way possible

It's nice to use your sleep day in seminary and try to add to the two and a half hours of sleep you got the night before. It's nice to litter with orange peels, leaving a biodegradable trail of sticky trash next to the bus stop. It's nice to blast "The Real Slim Shady" in the car with Sabrina, of all people. It's nice to come home and instead of doing homework, read a book that was published at the tail-end of the 19th century.

It's nice to live a little. Just a little bit.

The days are far too long and yet never long enough.

Band festival and colorguard competition yesterday. Such a freakishly exhausting day, but pretty great. Taylor and Will snuck me and Kenzie on the wind symphony bus, and Taylor showed me beautiful DCI shows and "Marcel the Shell with Shoes On" and talked about lungs and Boy Scouts and sang Kelly Clarkson in his falsetto. Janellie was my constant partner for much of the day, singing songs and listening to my problematic rants and letting me chill in her car. My mother and I thought ideas for outfits for the dance and went foraging for fast food. I caught both of tosses, leading to an accidental smile.

Today was the special needs sacrament. It was great. I almost started crying, and that's saying something. I was planning on going home after sacrament meeting since I don't feel well and I've got so much to do today, and the meeting just made me want to go home more because these special people were so beautiful and sweet and I knew I'd feel more awkward and alone around my own ward than these kind disabled souls.

What's an ex-girlfriend/best friend/"the only person that understands" to do when it appears he's broken up with girl number three? I want to call him so very badly and inevitably tell him that he's not a terrible person and that he tried his best and promise again that I will always love him and be there for him. But I am just so scared of him shutting me down, not giving me the opportunity to say anything. We've barely spoken these past few weeks and haven't had a real conversation in months. I want to help him, but I fear my time has passed...

Things to mull over while I work on my creative project, hurriedly call a captain to find our their opinions of leadership, write papers on my projects, type up a résumé, clean my bathroom that mimics something seen on "Hoarders," read a substantial amount of scriptures, finish my math homework and study for the test tomorrow, and watch Once Upon a Time. Whoo hoo.

Why I am Excited

Firstly, I'm going on a date. Kind of. But really, pretty much, yeah.

I asked my date to the Black and White guard dance today. It was totally awkward in my head cuz I was awkward, but it went really well because of his chillness and cool in a hipster sort of way awesomeness. We're going to be nerds or a black man and a white woman or something amazing. Also, the best part was when I pointed at him and was like "I need to talk to you," he walked up to me and said, "I just want to hug you. Like, all the time."

Secondly, the grand and gracious and glorious Becca Lutz has told me that she wants to come visit me this summer! That alone makes me overjoyed.

Thirdly, I may have figured out my "creative project" for drum major auditions, thank the Lord. Like seriously, I will pray and say thank you and hallelujah. Okay, maybe not that, but you know what I mean.

Time to keep reading my new favorite book that was published in the late 19th century or go to sleep. Fate will decide. Meaning my darn eyelids. Night.

KONY 2012: WE WILL STOP AT NOTHING

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4MnpzG5Sqc

Cooling Off

I had a post that I was writing at the guard competition today. It's gone, though, never to be seen again. Allison wanted to listen to music and I told her to just exit the app and that it would automatically save. We listened to Blink-182 and I actually hoped that I would lose that post and calm down and not be so upset and frustrated and have the need to publish that post.

(If you really want to know, it was mostly just about sad people and how much I hate not being able to help them, especially if they will never tell me why they're sad and I have to guess how to help them, etc.)

But now I'm calm. I'm still mad that no one ever tells me what's going on and that everyone's so sad and that I'm sitting here doing nothing. But now, I A) don't need to post that whole long spiel that might make some people feel bad to make myself feel resolved and B) am more frustrated with myself than anyone else right now.

I dropped both of my tosses. Again. Two competitions in a row. I just sat and cried in Sierra's arms and told myself that I'm no good and that maybe after all that practicing and praying and breathing and visualizing, I just plain suck. I only wanted to feel good about the things I did right, like back at Area last year where Micaiah asked how I did and I said I dropped during the saber part but that I did great all the rest of the time and he picked me up and swung me around and told me he was so proud and happy and admiring of me being able to admit to my mistakes but not be brought down by them and to realize how great I really was, drop and all. I sat there tonight, crying and missing having someone who loved me unconditionally, mistakes and nerdiness and poor communication and bad hair included, and who wanted me to walk with my head held high so I could so the world I was the beautiful and confident woman ever and who promised on beautifully quiet night that I would be his wife forever, even if he had to search the heavens for all eternity, and who helped me to learn to really love guard. It didn't help that this was all during a show where the floor read "YOU ARE LOVED."

But I did feel a little loved, what with people like Sierra to lean on and Sam and Taylie to make laugh and Taylor coming up to me and immediately saying, "It's really okay, by the way," and then encouraging me in his classic nonencouraging/bordering on threatening way.

I think I've cooled down a bit on this too (though writing this got me crying again.) I just need to watch a movie and eat popcorn and keep reading my book, or better yet, sleep.

My thumb hurts as if...

Indeed to hurry and finish this before and I doze off again and fall asleep.

In the end, I want to be standing at the beginning with you.

Mr. Lind returned! Though seemingly dead in the library, leaving us at the mercy of our well-meaning, though pretentious and incompetent, student teacher, he showed up today to help us review for the ACT that's on Tuesday. I had forgotten how much I adore that man. He talked about how he felt like a disembodied spirit and retold the "Harvard Joke," swear words and all, and made who and whom interesting and make sense. I was in a good mood for half of lunch just because of my dear prodigal teacher.

Miller says I'm hesitantly in Wind Symphony, which is great, you know, minus the fact that he is clearly annoyed and disappointed with my lack of lessons and my not so good grade at solo and ensemble. Totally stressed me out for half of lunch until Erik came up and asked, "What's wrong, Mexican?" and then smiled and said, "Oh wait, I answered my own question," and sauntered off. I couldn't stop laughing.

Great discussions are to be had in the locker room amongst A Guard girls, as proven this morning.

Happy birthday, Sierra. Just btdubs. Speaking off which, who wants to start the trend of calling JCW's "JCDubs" with me. Any takers? It's so gonna happen. It'll be as big as "fetch." bonus points for life if anyone can tell me what movie that failed slang word came from. Slang... A funny word that is.

Good luck in the past, present, or future (whichever best applies) to my Preethi Darcy Lovebird and her teammates at their state debate competition!

Could boys stop being dumb? You're making life harder than it needs to be for many of my friends, not to mention those who target me with their misfortunate presence. If you do this one thing, I'll promise you anything. Heck, I'll even marry one of ya someday if y'all are all on your best behavior.

Life is a road, and I wanna keep going.
Love is a river I wanna keep flowing.
Life is a road, now and forever, a wonderful journey.