Cooling Off

I had a post that I was writing at the guard competition today. It's gone, though, never to be seen again. Allison wanted to listen to music and I told her to just exit the app and that it would automatically save. We listened to Blink-182 and I actually hoped that I would lose that post and calm down and not be so upset and frustrated and have the need to publish that post.

(If you really want to know, it was mostly just about sad people and how much I hate not being able to help them, especially if they will never tell me why they're sad and I have to guess how to help them, etc.)

But now I'm calm. I'm still mad that no one ever tells me what's going on and that everyone's so sad and that I'm sitting here doing nothing. But now, I A) don't need to post that whole long spiel that might make some people feel bad to make myself feel resolved and B) am more frustrated with myself than anyone else right now.

I dropped both of my tosses. Again. Two competitions in a row. I just sat and cried in Sierra's arms and told myself that I'm no good and that maybe after all that practicing and praying and breathing and visualizing, I just plain suck. I only wanted to feel good about the things I did right, like back at Area last year where Micaiah asked how I did and I said I dropped during the saber part but that I did great all the rest of the time and he picked me up and swung me around and told me he was so proud and happy and admiring of me being able to admit to my mistakes but not be brought down by them and to realize how great I really was, drop and all. I sat there tonight, crying and missing having someone who loved me unconditionally, mistakes and nerdiness and poor communication and bad hair included, and who wanted me to walk with my head held high so I could so the world I was the beautiful and confident woman ever and who promised on beautifully quiet night that I would be his wife forever, even if he had to search the heavens for all eternity, and who helped me to learn to really love guard. It didn't help that this was all during a show where the floor read "YOU ARE LOVED."

But I did feel a little loved, what with people like Sierra to lean on and Sam and Taylie to make laugh and Taylor coming up to me and immediately saying, "It's really okay, by the way," and then encouraging me in his classic nonencouraging/bordering on threatening way.

I think I've cooled down a bit on this too (though writing this got me crying again.) I just need to watch a movie and eat popcorn and keep reading my book, or better yet, sleep.

My thumb hurts as if...

Indeed to hurry and finish this before and I doze off again and fall asleep.