Talking

I walked with Cam Kid for a bit after school today. He was wearing a hat for Hat Day unlike the 99% and he was wearing his ridiculous socks halfway up his shins and he was just so beautiful. It felt as if I hadn't seen him in a week or two, what with AP tests and Lagoon and such. I was already missing him terribly.

We walked around silently, trying to help out the new DMs with everything they needed and trying not to feel bored and useless, and I told him how I felt I hadn't seen him though I know I had. And he said: "It's because we haven't talked in a long time. Seeing is different than talking." And even after that comment, neither of us really said anything.

I hate losing my drum majors.

I just hate a lot if things.

I Didn't Cry

Tonight was the last concert. My horn didn't stick or knock or leak. I actually got it back on time. The jazz band played "In The Mood" and blew me away.

But I didn't cry.

We played Jacob's piece and he was so happy and giddy when we finished. Cameron was about to cry before anything even happened. I was able to hit the high A for probably the first time ever and Davis hugged me on stage because I was so proud of myself.

But I didn't cry.

We played Angels and I was speechless. I was mostly in tune, we only missed one entrance, I hit the high Ab. We were loud and proud and in time. As Logan put it, measure 314 came and it was like the Second Coming. I felt like I might burst and that the walls might break and that there couldn't have possibly been another soul but ours. We were the music. We were triumphant. We were happy, I was happy, and the tears started to form.

But I didn't cry.

Awards were presented. My lovely drum major all got the awards they deserved. The crowd was happy for us, for all my beautiful children. I dropped Logan's plaque on the stage. I called up my tenors and baritones. I shook sweet, old, wonderful Miller's hand.

But I didn't cry.

We sang the friend song for the last time. I looked at every single senior and I wanted to laugh but I was so close to crying. I was hugged and jostled and I lost my watch. I was so close to crying when we screamed for the key change and when I met eyes with my friends and my little freshmen.

But I didn't cry.

We watched the slideshows. So many people cheered when the silliest pictures of me came up, it was like they didn't care how stupid I looked or how annoying I'd been because I meant something to them, just as they meant something to me. The loudest cheers came for the picture of us laying on the field in St. George, Miller standing up in a sea of black sprawled across the grass like a star. We were stars, is what Miller told us that night.

But I didn't cry.

I hugged. I was hugged. I hugged my drum majors, Breanne, Tony, Davis, Sierra, Chris, Sam, Taylie, Erik, Jacob, Joe, Tanner, Laura, Solei, Kathleen, Ali, my guardies, my clarinets, my best friends, people I respect, people who respect me. I wish I could name you all because each and every one of y'all deserves to know that I love you and that I would be nothing without you. It's your faith that kept me going, and it's through loving you that I've started to love myself.

I was so close to crying, but I didn't.

I guess I just don't need to cry anymore. I'm too grateful to cry, and I am just so happy to know that my band gave me all it could, and I gave of myself fully in return, and they are in the best possible hands for their future.

Y'all can never know the impact you've had on my life.

Thanks for giving me a reason to smile.