Why Chrétien is my Love

I went to his birthday party over Skype, all dressed up and sitting cross-legged on my bed. I talked to Shoozhan and waved hi to Aly and his new boyfriend. He put on "I Want To Hold Your Hand" and sang with me. He was so handsome and happy.

Then he asked if I would talk to Jessica, just say hi to her. I was really anxious and nervous and didn't want to, but I finally said yes, and I am so grateful for that. We talked about band and guard and she gave me as good as an apology I might ever get. We are going to email each other videos of our guard endeavors. I am just so glad. I was so angry, so hurt, by all the things she said and did to me and others. But then Chrétien told me how she had been standing to the side watching and listening to me the whole time and had heard me tell Shoozhan that I was in a bad spot with her and had run off to the other crying and how she told Chrétien that she felt so bad that the last time she had talked to me she had just been yelling and cussing me out and that I would probably not want to see her. She had seemed very happy to see me, and although it was slightly reminiscent of when she'd be nice to me before getting ugly again, it was really nice and good for the both of us.

After I finished watching Billy Madison with Isaac, I skyped Chrétien again and sang him present. He was so excited and overjoyed and said "both [my] singing and pronunciation were beautiful."

He told me about his first make out session with his new boyfriend and showed me his stuffed animal collection and hugged me virtually.

I fell asleep while typing this last night.

And that is why I love Chrétien.

Guard Practice. I can't think of a better title.

Today, practice was quite horribly dreadful. The entire time I was either crying or on the verge of tears, thanks to my inability to toss a quad or stop double prepping or be half as consistent and/or confident as all the other rifles. I felt completely useless and worthless and talentless and just less in every way. Also, it didn't help that my hands were dangerously hurt with almost every attempt and that my whole right thigh was red and blue and stinging from all the pushing.

But there were so many lovely people who were so kind to me. Janelle let me borrow her awesome rifle hoodie and gave me some knee high socks and spooned with me for a while. Browser told me to breathe and that I really was good and to smack the heck out of a single to make me feel better. Hoax and Kayla and Alyse and little Katey Gordon all gave me hugs. Daryl asked me if I was okay and said she wasn't worried about me (in, you know, the rifle sense) and that she loves me. Allison was simply herself.

In the car, I talked with my dad about interning until the best songs came on: "Fine By Me" by Andy Grammer, "Love Shack" by The B-52's, and "The Heart of Rock and Roll" by Huey Lewis and the News. Brilliant.

It all made me feel a bit better.

Church and People Who Piss Me Off (Things That Seem to Go Hand in Handa Lot Here)

We didn't have a teacher for Sunday School. Our teacher's son whose eighteen and in college now just sat with us and we all talked. It was just me and this one chick representing the girls and it was fine until our teacher's son said that he was not like us, dumb girls who don't delve deeply into things for fear of becoming confused, to which I emphatically said, "you are judging me. you don't know me. you are making assumptions." and he said "true, I am just assuming, but it's probably true since you hang out with her" to which I said that I actually don't hang out with her or anyone for that matter to which another kid said I was forever alone to which I could only nod. That's one thing I hate most, people thinking they know everything about me when they don't even know my damn name.

It didn't help that when we left class and that girl was complaining about the son and I said something about how annoying his assumptions were and she said "wow. I am SO glad you told me that." in the most sarcastic voice ever.

I was asked to do the YW theme and so I said "please stand for truth and righteousness" since that's what we'd always say in Texas and since here they only sometimes say "please stand," everyone laughed and giggled at me.

One good thing about church was that our lesson was on homemaking and our teacher asked us what classes would help us with that and everyone was like foods! Home ec! Etc!!! But then one of the leaders said psychology was probably the most important classes we could take. I was like major heck yeah!

Too tired to write anymore.

The Time of the Quad has Come

Found out that I now have to toss a quad. Problem though, I'm like the only who can't toss it.

This of course led to a "discussion" with Taylor about trying harder and not giving up and just believing in myself. He asked me about the first time I was able to play high Bb on euphonium to which I was like I haven't played it yet, I can't get it yet. Of course then, I got home, practiced euph, and hit that damn Bb, just like that. Gosh, I can't tell him. He would laugh and tell me that I can toss a quad and he would WIN.

Oh goodness, but I want him to win. That means I would be more than decent at something.

Fell in the toilet. Like, I literally fell and landed with my feet in the toilet bowl and my back and head in the tub with the bar holding the shower curtain in my hand and water all over the floor. I don't even need to mention that the toilet was partially clogged. I can show you the bruises anytime.

Kristian has a new and improved boyfriend, "the one," actually. We're still getting married though, no matter what. No worries.

Oh look. No Valentines Day theories. Maybe you'll get them in a week or something. Or maybe not.

Being Sick

I've been sick again. My mother says it's cuz I'm not used to Utah. Maddie Brown says I don't drink enough orange juice. Part of me thinks that I just like watching Doctor Who and not being around people a little too much.

Speaking of which, finally got to see for myself that River is Amy AND Rory's daughter. My sister keeps forgetting to exclaim that she's his daughter too. I mean, come on, you can't forget him after Amy's wonderfully vague speech and his total badassery in the sixth series. He is sexy. And hot. And just plain attractive.

Wish I could watch the whole Grammys (shouldn't it technically be Grammies? Now it just sounds like an army of grandmothers.) Instead, I watched the new Once Upon a Time, watched maybe an hour of the awards, and deliberated whether or not to go to school tomorrow. I would've had no problem choosing if their wasn't guard practice. Darn guard practice. Crap, I have to sell tickets. Haven't sold a single one >.<

Formulating my specific thoughts on Valentines Day. Expect that post in the next few days. On that last romantic note, I did escape the house to go see The Vow. 'Twas the same day I escaped to go to drum major sectionals. Eeeeep!

I hate nights that get ruined for no real reason.

Though I guess being sick, rewatching an episode of Doctor Who you saw two days ago when you could be watching the new one you were in the middle of since your sister hasn't caught up, having to go watch it downstairs since she hasn't eaten dinner yet, catching the tail end of your parents' discussion on electronics in bedrooms and how my dad has apparently already told me not to do that and how it's against the church, having your mom say that your dad needs to talk to you and him angrily saying he doesn't want to talk to me so she just says I'm not allowed to keep my laptop in my room, trying to finally watch the new episode and it's too damn loud to hear it so you just have to shut it off, looking at the requirements on the drum major application and seeing a shitload of ambiguous, crazy, wtf stuff, having to check the water for your medicine to make sure there aren't any dead ants floating around, and finally, having your mom look at your eyes to see how sick you are and having her say "you look miserable" to which I reply "why do you think?" and to which my dad angrily says "what do you mean, 'what do you think?'" to which I say "I FEEL AWFUL." Throw in a day of missed classes and guard practice, math class and a meeting with my dad and the counselor about my future during the one class I'm failing (just from last week's absence) and the first drum major sectional tomorrow, and oh yeah, still being freakin sick, and you've got a fairly crappy night.

New goal in life: be this kind of nobody

It's just so unapologetically sarcastic. I strive to be such. I think I've gotten down the general sarcasm, perhaps even a little over the top with it, at least with people like Sam Bateman and Ginger Maddie. But I'd love to hone it so as to be able to use it and simply confuse the heck out of people, saying things that make absolutely no sense with such conviction. It would be fantastic, I think.

Found my autobiography today. Read it all, naturally. I mean, it's like only 30 pages. BUT STILL. I miss being able to write so well. Okay, it actually kind of sucked. But I loved it. I enjoyed writing it and feeling the words and creating the voices to emulate those belonging to some of the nearest and dearest people in my life. I wish I could write with such enthusiasm as I used to. That's one of my biggest wants right now.

It's decided. I'm going to show up and the first drum major candidate sectional on Friday and be like, "That's right, bitches. I'm here. I'm in colorguard. I play the frickin euphonium. And I'm here to take you on. Challenge accepted."

I think I'd be in trouble if I put "sexy" and "child abuse" in the same title...

Sometimes, it's fun to just wear purple tights, short shorts, a fancyish striped sweater, and houndstooth heels, pose in the bathroom mirror, and say, "That's right. I'm sexy. I'm curvaceous. You wish you had me. Too bad for you, suckers. You know why? Cuz I am SEX-AY." But then I just wished that I could have been Sexy, the personification of the TARDIS' soul. I just watched that episode and it was beautiful and sad and I was just so happy that she stole the Doctor and that they got to talk and that the first time he saw her he told her she was the most beautiful thing he'd ever known and that while she hardly ever took him where he wanted to go she always took him where he needed to go and--

Yeah. Anyway.

My mother made me lick two 9 volt batteries to see if they were alive, since apparently every child MUST experience this. She took away MY NEW COPY OF PAPER TOWNS SIGNED BY JOHN HIMSELF THAT KRISTA GOT FOR ME (I'M JUST REALLY EXCITED) until I would lick them. She also laughed at me when I told her the reasons I deemed a boy dateable today. Child abuse.

Anyway.

Should I march baritone next year? Should I try out for drum major? Should I be this happy due to the fact that Bradan is practically a girl?

So much to think about, too late at night (what with waking up at, you know, FOUR FIFTEEN IN THE MORNING).

Fear #1: College

I feel like I am completely unprepared for all that applying for college and college itself brings. I have very few ideas of what I want and need and how that correlates with what I actually can have.

I'm fairly certain that I want to teach high school English, and that if I do so, I most definitely do not can not will not major in or get an English Education degree or whatever. I'd want to just do plain old awesome English, maybe specialize in Linguistics and then go back and get a teaching certificate, or maybe major in TAG Education or something. I really have no idea how it all works, I just know how I'd like it to be in a world where I am the College Board.

I have next to no idea where I want to go to college. I've kind of got three ideas, but they all seem pretty crappy.

1. Baylor University

Good: It appears they've got a fancy and spectacular English program, one of the best in the country. It's a big and qualified college, and Kristian's (who's pretty much my college expert) dream college.

Bad: It's darn freaking expensive. Like, far too expensive. Like, I don't even know why I'm even thinking about such a possibility.

2. Oklahoma State University

 
Good: For awhile, Micaiah was begging me to go to OSU with him, to do a college visit, to look it up online. He said we could be the best of friends and claimed that their Sports Journalism program is fantastic, so obviously their English program must be. They give out great scholarships (Example A: Micaiah).
Bad: Oh wait, it would mean I made an astronomically important decision based on the fact that I would be on the same campus as my ex-boyfriend. Let's think about this, shall we?

3. Brigham Young University

Good: Cheap. Close. Mormon.
Bad: It's pretty much where I'm required to go if I don't get a miraculous scholarship. I really do hate the ideas of a) having to default and b) doing what everyone else does.

How am I even supposed to have a chance at finding scholarships? They're all for children of blind cancerous LGBTs or Native American 4-H Champions. They're for people who are extremely talented and hardworking and dedicated and focused. Me, I am adequate at colorguard and decent at euphonium and can sometimes churn out poetry and get mostly As and Bs but definitely not without a few Cs and used to be good at ASL until, you know, I couldn't take the class anymore.

It feels like I've got nothing going for me, and that there's nothing I can do to fix it. I fear that I'll end up mindless and apathetic at BYU or trapped in Oklahoma with and/or without Micaiah. It makes me so anxious knowing that this all could and will affect my future and my parents and my siblings and my career and my children. I'm not even 17 yet. It sure as hell doesn't even feel like I'm even close.

I'm afraid of being a failure.

I love this song (and bad 80s music videos)

Reasons Why the Day Turned Out Quite Alright:

We played a game in USH where we emulated the stock market in the 1920s.

We pulled off pretending to have a sectional in class again.

I worked on my solo, and I'm the tiniest bit less afraid of it. There is hope.

I've got a lot of great bruises (albeit on my legs).

I brought my mandolin to school and finally surprised Sabrina.

I also went on a walk with her. We stopped by Heather's house to say hi and comment on Dr. Phil's physique, then walked back and talked about the Hoover Dam and the inappropriacy of telling sex jokes in a family neighborhood.

Chris and I talked for an hour about broken hearts and parallax and moving while waiting for my mom.

When I found out my backpack, ipod, euphonium, and mandolin would be locked in the band hall til tomorrow and started crying due to anxiety, Chris put his arm around me and just let me cry on his shoulder for a while.

I went mini golfing with my dad, Abram, and Eran and got a hole in one on the first hole.

I watched videos of super cool bassists with Isaac.

I talked to Kristian on the phone for hours about Mean Girls and his boyfriend and Stupid Jessica and The Beatles and setting fire to the rain and the Fly Emma Back to Austin Fund.

In which Emma's eyes hurt immensely, due to the fact that she wastrying out the guard makeup tonight and has been waking up multipletimes in the night almost every night since tour.

Today was Sabrina's birthday, her sixteenth, to be exact (though she didn't appear to care much. I don't blame her. I know what it's like to not care about being able to date when the love of your life has forsaken you.) Still though, I dearly hope she had a wonderful day, one of the best of days.

I downloaded a bunch of free classics on my kindle app, and I am LOVING IT. So far, I've read a Kipling short story, a phenomenal essay by Mark Twain ("On the Decay of the Art of Lying," please read it, 'tis fantastic), and the first five% of a Frank Norris book. Also, in my other literary news, we're being assigned to write a Gothic story by our crazy student teacher, and I'm actually really excited. More on that later.

Full makeup and hair and costume for practice tomorrow. Expect pictures (and my daddy! He comes back tonight.)