Fear #1: College

I feel like I am completely unprepared for all that applying for college and college itself brings. I have very few ideas of what I want and need and how that correlates with what I actually can have.

I'm fairly certain that I want to teach high school English, and that if I do so, I most definitely do not can not will not major in or get an English Education degree or whatever. I'd want to just do plain old awesome English, maybe specialize in Linguistics and then go back and get a teaching certificate, or maybe major in TAG Education or something. I really have no idea how it all works, I just know how I'd like it to be in a world where I am the College Board.

I have next to no idea where I want to go to college. I've kind of got three ideas, but they all seem pretty crappy.

1. Baylor University

Good: It appears they've got a fancy and spectacular English program, one of the best in the country. It's a big and qualified college, and Kristian's (who's pretty much my college expert) dream college.

Bad: It's darn freaking expensive. Like, far too expensive. Like, I don't even know why I'm even thinking about such a possibility.

2. Oklahoma State University

 
Good: For awhile, Micaiah was begging me to go to OSU with him, to do a college visit, to look it up online. He said we could be the best of friends and claimed that their Sports Journalism program is fantastic, so obviously their English program must be. They give out great scholarships (Example A: Micaiah).
Bad: Oh wait, it would mean I made an astronomically important decision based on the fact that I would be on the same campus as my ex-boyfriend. Let's think about this, shall we?

3. Brigham Young University

Good: Cheap. Close. Mormon.
Bad: It's pretty much where I'm required to go if I don't get a miraculous scholarship. I really do hate the ideas of a) having to default and b) doing what everyone else does.

How am I even supposed to have a chance at finding scholarships? They're all for children of blind cancerous LGBTs or Native American 4-H Champions. They're for people who are extremely talented and hardworking and dedicated and focused. Me, I am adequate at colorguard and decent at euphonium and can sometimes churn out poetry and get mostly As and Bs but definitely not without a few Cs and used to be good at ASL until, you know, I couldn't take the class anymore.

It feels like I've got nothing going for me, and that there's nothing I can do to fix it. I fear that I'll end up mindless and apathetic at BYU or trapped in Oklahoma with and/or without Micaiah. It makes me so anxious knowing that this all could and will affect my future and my parents and my siblings and my career and my children. I'm not even 17 yet. It sure as hell doesn't even feel like I'm even close.

I'm afraid of being a failure.