Another Post About Loss

All of a sudden, I feel like I've lost everything. 

I'm losing some of the most important friendships I've ever made. I feel they've lost the ability to care much about crazy old me, and I've lost the ability to stand up to them and tell them how I feel. I've lost so much hair this past week, month, year, decade. I'm losing my friends as they go on missions, traveling the world and serving the Lord, while I stay behind, crocheting scarves and wondering what I even believe in. 

I've lost cable and I'm losing Netflix. 

Dang, I feel empty. I'm not even sure how this all happened. It was like I woke up from a dream where everything was right, where my friends were my heroes and there was bright music and tv show references galore and I was happy and safe. That is a realistic description, both literally and figuratively. I dreamt that this morning and woke up to find I was alone, in pain, and no one would be there to save me with a doughnut, a smile, a muted trumpet, and an homage to Scrubs. 

Something is wrong with me on so many levels. 

And at Last I See the Light

The first Friday of summer ended terribly. 

I'm still not sure what happened. I couldn't stop crying, and I thought I was going to die from hyperventilating. All I could see was the black sky, and all I could feel was the cold grass until Breanne. 

I wish I could remember who else was there; I can only remember seeing Breanne and Erik. Tony was a voice, Gretchen was an afterthought, Taylie and Ali and the Schwankes still don't exist in my memory. I'm sorry if I can't remember you. Know that I am still grateful for your presence and help. 

They sang and prayed and loved me. Adding that to the most wonderful YSA fireside last night by the bassist of Neon Trees and his wife, I've realized that The Lord has been missing from my life. I'm surely having mental and psychological issues, but any problem will be worse unless you rely on Him. I was never strong enough, and when I became lazy and scared of what God thought of me, I gave up. I lost what little strength or faith I had. 

Obviously, I just lost it. 

I'm going to try now. I read my scriptures last night, I changed my background to the temple, I fasted for the first time this year, I really prayed for the first time this month. It feels like too little, too late, but I can't give up hope. If I can get my spirituality in order, I feel like the impending therapy will be able to help me more. 

I just know I couldn't live without Him or y'all. 

Doctrine and Covenants 121: 9-10 ~ Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands... thy friends do not contend against thee, neither charge thee with transgression...