whyamistillawake

[RANDOM CRAP STORY: I didn't do anything with my hair today. I didn't even just put it in a ponytail; it was flat and uneven and gross looking in every way. I got to financial lit and Logan turned and said, "I really like your hair today." I kind of laughed and, since it's practically a fact that I can't accept a compliment from him, said, "Well, today's the crappiest it's been in like weeks," which made him almost frown since he is cursed with the inability to do so and he said, "Oh. Well, I like it." Then we just stared at each other awkwardly smiling and feeling weird until I just burst out laughing and said, "I've missed you so much, Logan." Then he laughed and I knew we were okay and I felt so happy and hopeless and okay because Logan said nice things to me when no one in their right mind should've.]

This week is closing in on me. As I practiced rifle for 30 minutes tops and wrote the first paragraph of my 5-8 page paper, I didn't feel too stressed. As I danced to Huey Lewis and the News and The Beatles and listened to my dad talk about his childhood and tried on a new dress and ate the most delicious steak, I felt my life was so good.

Now I'm just scared to exist.

Reason #24 Why I Often Hate Myself

What happened to this weekend? It went by so fast and felt like such a waste. There's so much I could've and should've done, and here I am, totally screwed for the upcoming week.

Updated List of Three Things I Want More Than Anything But Won't Ever Have:

1) a good attitude
2) another opportunity to run across the field, yard markers in hand, trying to look happy and chill and enthusiastic as I pass Drew and Spencer Meyers and Matt and Spencer Wright and try not to die from an asthma attack I'm hiding from Logan and Cam
3) a man

(No surprise there^^)

No matter, because Janelle drank tea and liked it.

The Whole is Greater Than the Sum of the Parts

I was reading up on hipsters, and I came across this gem in a section debating hipsters' apparent lack of personal hygiene:

"Arguably, hipsters aren't so interested in "making the most of their assets" because they see their entire self as an asset; from a self-esteem point of view, this is actually a rather healthy outlook."

Hipster or not, I wish people could see themselves as more of the whole that they are, rather than focusing/obsessing on a few of their traits, whether they be positive or negative. A human being is a complex system of varying cells and dreams and secrets and downfalls and mysteries and interests and miracles. It is just as much a shame to ignore the the messy pieces of humanity as it is to not utilize everyone's natural magnificence, and in the words of John Green, "What a treacherous thing to believe that a person is more than a person."

That's all for tonight. Two tomorrow, Janelle? Or one? Or just stay forever? Bring your vinyls, if you've got any. I'm still without a phone, so I hope this all works out.

Self-Explanatory Post

I'm not going to be able to say even half of the things I want to, but here goes:

I'm thankful for the way the high note in Time For Three's "Hallelujah" seems to punch me right in the gut with the softest touch, shooting straight up into my heart like the Heimlich gone right, giving real meaning to that one Bob Marley quote.

I'm thankful for pie.

I'm thankful for Moonrise Kingdom for showing me the most beautiful and imperfect children and making camping a bit more attractive.

I'm thankful for The Lizzie Bennet Diaries for being such an excellent time waster of mine.

I'm thankful I know that Sudan recently split into two countries and that there are plenty of Christians in Africa so that I am more aware of the global culture I am a part of and so that people don't think I'm ignorant.

I'm thankful for DMA, where I learned you could become the firmest and most natural friends with a stranger in less than a week and where I met a boy who would wipe away my tears and read centuries old poetry to me and rap and dance and hold my hand as we skipped down the street and where my favorite hash tag became #inhonoroftom and I was filled star thoughts and I got to be my screaming counting cheering crying self at a DCI show and where I first realized how lucky I was to be a drum major with those exact three people.

I'm thankful for toilets. Like, immensely thankful, praising the heavens and groveling on the floor thankful.

I'm thankful I have a best friend who loves to read as much as I do and who doesn't hate me after probably scaring away one of her friends/creepers over the Internet.

I'm thankful I love Logan more than I hate No Shave November. We could never get married, but I love knowing that I could marry him and be eternally happy with an intelligent, faithful, hilarious, determined, financially-minded, musically-inclined son of God who knows the names of many Land Before Time movies.

I'm thankful for all the times Cam has let me see him cry. It's shows a rather juxtapositional strength of being able to share your feelings, no matter how embarrassing or terrifying it may be. He is willing to both talk and listen to me. He makes me feel important and loved. He gives me strength. Both of the boys do.

I'm thankful for Caitlin and how she doesn't think I'm crazy or weird or creepy since we're kinda the same person. I am thankful for her presence by my side everyday, past and present. There's really not much I can say; I just have the best sister wife anyone could ask for.

I am thankful for Janelle's gratitude post and her love of German culture and her love of boys and her love of art and her love of Psalms and her love of me.

I'm thankful for Tony and the TARDIS that sits proudly atop my dresser and the memories I have of being in awe of him on the bus from California and sitting by the fire and freezing up in the complete darkness of the cave and singing harmonies and dancing with/tripping over him under the stars and crisscrossed branches and laying in Taylie's yard and on Erin's couch and laughing on the bus and just sitting together in church, but most especially for the hug he offered when I would've felt lucky to not be laughed at. Everyday, he reminds me everyday that even when things are hopeless, that doesn't mean there's not a reason to smile, and if for nothing else, I'm thankful for that.

I'm thankful for AVPM.

I'm thankful for one last chance to do guard. It has been one of the shaping forces in my life, and while it has been a roller coaster of triumph for the past three years, I am just happy to look ahead to the next five months with hope.

I am thankful for the gratification one feels after they fill a starving belly with food. It's a miracle, our body's reward system. It's a miracle, our body.

I am thankful for Psychology and Latin and Language, my "just for fun" classes. Knowledge is a gift, and I am thankful I have been given the skills to learn, use, and appreciate it.

I am thankful for the new friends I am making and continually coming closer with, such as Breanne and Bradan and Gage and Jordan and Brayden and Natalie and my new favorite section, the Saxophones. They give me hope and confidence that I can make friends even though it scares the crap out of me.

I'm thankful for Sam and her constant belief in me. I wish I could be as supportive to her as she is to me. Her jittery legs and suppressed squeals and mascara-ridden tears are all signs of a beautiful girl who only deserves the best. She just makes me a better person.

I am thankful for the rhythm I can find in the hum of a ceiling fan and the cracks in the sidewalk and skeletal system of a cat.

I am thankful for attractive men.

I am thankful for root words

I am thankful for my iPod.

I am thankful for my true loves, past and future.

I am thankful for band. I will never stop being thankful for band. I will be in heaven, exclaiming how thankful I am for band.

I am thankful for the sun.

I am thankful for you.

All I Need

It's been a good week.

Yesterday, I wrote an in-class essay on the topic of dignity, and I did indeed enjoy it. I talked with Gage in financial lit about his eclectic musical tastes and dueled with our pens. I walked Taylie home and felt such love for the beautiful ginger. Bobby said I was cool. I got to see Rachel from Lehi and hang out with her and Caitlin at the chair test for honor band. Cameron and Davis were quite encouraging, and the judge felt bad cuz I had braces. I didn't get last chair, and neither did Rachel. Caitlin did quite well, and Cam fulfilled his goal to get first again. We inspired Joe and Jacob's instantaneously composed ditties and laughed at their complete accuracy and hilarity. I joined Cam on the floor, he laying on his stomach spread eagled and I with my head on his back, and smiled as we engaged in deep, philosophical talks about the amount of spit on that very floor. We planned a drum major outing full of promises of ice cream and sweaters and hand holding and sushi. I verbally beat the crap out of this little punk, and Preethi loved me for it.

Today, I laughed with Davis and Chris in the back row of band, as per our usual behavior. We ended ten minutes early and got to eat donuts in the band room. We watched an episode of Psych in Psychology. I jammed out to AWOLnation with Breanne. I got a little piece of the Feast of Beeson. I went Maddie's house and we watched A Very Potter Musical and laughed so hard that I'm pretty sure we have six-packs. Gretchen dedicated a post to me, and I had the pleasure of reading her writing once again. I had cheese and ham and oranges and pie for dinner, and I was just happy.

I will hopefully be hosting a tea party for Janelle on Friday, so I should get to work.

"Will you go out with me?"

Nothing like watching The Notebook with your parents to make you want to dance in the middle of the street, wear red lipstick and brightly colored jumpers, and die from embarrassment.

Sometimes, I just feel so lonely.

Janelle, let's hang out. My phone is broken, and I need My Favorite so dearly.

Fear #4: Finances

[New thing: to work on not swearing, I'm going to insert a name of an author I adore where a swear word might have been]

We've been putting together budgets in financial lit this week. It's been very eye opening, making guesses at how much I cost my parents a year. However, it wasn't until I had to project my future spendings in college that I panicked.

How the Green am I going to pay for college? There's tuition and books and fees and housing and staying alive and not dying from lack of leaving a desk to do fun things. That's a Salinger of a lot of money that I don't have. I can get a job. I can get some scholarships. I can maybe get some money from my parents. But even with those three options, I was $3000+ in the red. It was as if I were looking at my life in shambles instead of a poorly constructed, definitely inaccurate spreadsheet I threw together.

I almost lost it. Thankfully, my dear, dear friend Logan was there to distract with his dream about killer Spongebob and rant about communism and tell me that I will find a way to go to college. He made me wipe away the almost tears and pretend that I wasn't freaking out. I almost felt better, and I love him for that.

However, that doesn't change the fact that I have no idea how I'm going to ensure I have a way to obtain money so that I may ensure a way for me to always obtain money. It's hard when I feel I know nothing about making or managing money. Add that to the fact that I feel I've been lied to, one way or another, about my family's finances. I just have no idea what's going to happen, and it makes me want to curl up in a ball until I disappear from existence.

Positivity: I love jazz bands and my brother and saxophones.

An Escape

A few weeks ago, I said there were three things I wanted in life: to be able to speak a different language, to go to Grand Nats, and a man.

It's no secret; I desperately want a man.

(Can you blame me?)

I see my cousins and friends getting married, and I think, "I want that someday. Why not take the tiniest first step imaginable now?" I see these awkward band couples making googly eyes and interlocking their fingers in such a jagged and disjointed manner that seems to defeat the purpose, and I think, "I want to be that one band couple that isn't awkward." (ha.) I see all these girls crying and hurt and all these boys lost and confused, and I can't help but think. . . Is it worth it?

(I think yes, but that's another post waiting to happen.)

I want to be in love so badly. I want to skip down the halls, having just seen his face. I want my friends to roll their eyes as I mention his name again. I want to use up my phone's unlimited night and weekend minutes. I will sing him this:

I want to love someone so badly. I want to have someone to talk to whenever I feel low. I want to struggle to come up with the perfect Christmas present. I want to give up a part of myself and to care more for another human being than me. I will be sung this:

I want someone to love me so badly. I want a best friend who will watch tv with me. I want a boy to compare our hand sizes and laugh at my yawns and pinkie promise that he'll kiss me one last time before the next day. I want to know that he doesn't need me to be happy, but that he wouldn't have it any other way. We will sing this together (start at two minutes):

I just want to be loved, you know? And I know I'm loved; I know I have many friends, both boys and girls and gays and straights and band kids and non band kids, that love me exceedingly. But anyone who's ever been in love the slightest bit, who's held hands with an enchanting boy or kissed the cheek of a beautiful girl or been grateful to be lucky to have the best friend one could ask for knows what I mean.

He's out there somewhere, and that thought gives me hope.

Fear #3: Everything

I'm scared to go to sleep. I'm scared to wake up. I'm scared I have a kidney stone. I'm scared Once Upon A Time will become lame. I'm scared of losing my drum majors. I'm scared of reauditioning. I'm scared of low battery. I'm scared of misplacing my rings. I'm scared my phone is broken. I'm scared I'll fail my classes. I'm scared I'll miss the college application deadlines. I'm scared boys don't like me. I'm scared girls don't like me. I'm scared of being crazy. I'm scared that I can't stop twisting and being sad and being prescribed Prozac. I'm scared of Miller. I'm scared of my horn. I'm scared of braces. I'm scared of driving. I'm scared of dreams. I'm scared of attendance school. I'm scared of being a know it all. I'm scared of not knowing anything. I'm scared of attractive men. I'm scared of unattractive men. I'm scared of him and him and him and him. I'm scared of scaring people. I'm scared of dying. I'm scared of not living. I'm scared of not having money. I'm scared of being alone and on my own and by myself. I'm scared I'll have to drop Latin. I'm scared of graduation. I'm scared of my house. I'm scared of heights. I'm scared of coming off too strong. I'm scared of never taking chances. I'm scared of leaving. I'm scared of staying. I'm scared of the future. I'm scared of others' futures. I'm scared I'll ruin Preference. I'm scared I won't be asked to Prom. I'm scared for Kristian. I'm scared for Preethi. I'm scared for Taylor. I'm scared by stupidity, spiders, and sunburns. I'm scared of change. I'm scared of loss. I'm scared of you.

Pantophobia: the fear of everything, including pants (or rather, how I look in them)

Positivity: I fell asleep while trying to think of something positive, so now I'm a little less scared in the morning.

Trapped in a Dreamworld

Have you ever had a dream that felt so real, you wake up still tasting what you ate needing to pee after going five times in the dream and feeling how many miles you walked? Now, has that dream ever been a bad dream, a nightmare? Has it ever frightened you, not because there were monsters, but because you were the monster yourself? Where the after effects are shame and fatigue and still needing to pee?

What does one do? I feel I hurt a very dear friend and that I need to apologize and beg forgiveness. I feel I ruined a friendship and that I need to try and repair it. I feel I broke the rules and need to repent and hide it from my mom and pay off the people who saw and then repent for doing those horrid things. I feel I need to crawl in a hole and hide from humanity for the rest of my life. I feel awful.

And it wasn't even real.

It never happened. Now, more than ever, it never will. Why is this dream so crushing and painful? Why can't I forget it like all my other dreams? Why can't I make it stop?

Dreams terrify me.

•••

Positivity: terrify comes from the Latin word "terreo," which means "scare, frighten." How freaking awesome is that.

Nothing really matters

I was supposed to write tonight, both on her and on SL. I was supposed to write two days ago about Preethi's birthday. I was supposed to write about sitting on Taylie's curb and conducting in front of the student body and shopping for Preference dresses with Caitlin.

I don't want to write about any of that.

I don't want to write about anything.

I don't want to romanticize everyday life. I don't want to answer essay prompts and fill out college applications. I don't want to write a 5-8 page explanatory paper on a topic in Africa. I don't want to write a new poem for Micaiah. I don't want to rewrite the drum major or my speech on love. I don't want to write; I'm barely managing to even type.

I'm just done.

To fulfill my requirement of following negativity with positivity. . . My mother bought me jewelry. I shall now strive to wear rings all the time.

Ich wünschte, ich könnte einfach den Mund halten und glücklich sein

I ditched seminary to go to Janelle's German class. There were so few students and the desks were all scattered about and I laid my eyes upon Mr. Garlick, a tall, slightly intimidating man who constantly spoke very loud German, only stopping to ask if I knew Spanish and my scripture mastery in Spanish.

Despite the absolutely terrifying situation, I adored the class. The people in it, the topics they discussed, the videos they watched filled with umlauts and seemingly random capitalized words, they all filled me with this sense of otherness, that the world exists outside of me and my language and my history. I am so deeply attracted to foreign languages now, even more so than before with my dabbling in ASL and Latin. It's time I learn me some Spanish (and German.)

I stopped by Heather's house today. She opened the door to see me curled up like a lost fetal puppy on Boxing Day (at least, that's how I felt.) We chatted on her stairs, sharing secrets and frustrations and an abundance of awkward stories as we overwhelmed her cat with attention. As she drove me home, her golden Toms sparkling and her wrist brace darkly glowering, I felt as if I had been cheated out of the ability to gain and cherish beautiful best friends. I had three sets of friends in three separate states. How am I supposed to be comfortable enough to go to someone's house, unannounced, with perfect ease. And then, being the intelligent girl I am, I realized I had been able to do just that. It didn't matter that I'd known Heather for less than a year and that our deep chats are far from a common event, she smiled and welcomed my creepy self in.

I really should stop being the definition of creepy.

The Best Unreal Weekend

We had our band tour this past weekend. It was my last band season and probably my last trip and I kind of couldn't handle it. I cried so much, it's not even funny. I just felt as if I were losing all the beautiful people and experiences in my life. Really, though, I was gaining them like never before.

I wrote a poem for the drum majors. Some lines turned out super awkward once I read them aloud, but it was a success. Everyone cheered and clapped, and my dear three all hugged me with a small kiss on the top of my head from Logan. I had never been more nervous to read a poem, for I think you struggle to tell the people you love most how much you care about them. You assume they know, so you just give up on trying to vocalize it. But standing next to an impatient Ed in front of my whole band with a shaky voice, I tried to lay out my heart for all to see. It was worth it.

Isaac wore the shirt I made for his birthday.

At the dance, Cameron and I wiggled our hips and eyebrows to "Call Me Maybe." Logan and I made up our own version of Soulja Boy. Caitlin found the most fantastic stranger. They are so getting married.

State felt good, but prelims felt ten times better, even in the hot sun.

My room watched "A Cinderella Story" and slept with Yoda and wore our non-offensive room shirts.

I told Gage the altos were my new favorite section. He hugged me and made me an honorary saxophone. I had never been more honored to be a faux section member.

Before finals, I went around and said "I love you" to every single band member. At first, I thought it would be taxing and tiresome to say what I imagined would be meaningless words to hundreds of kids, but as soon as I started, I could feel this change come over me. I could feel genuine love for each and every one of them. Some bothered me, a few were jerks, many I barely knew, but it didn't matter. I could honestly tell them all that I loved them individually for their hard work and their unique abilities and their racing hearts. It was such a powerful lesson for me of unconditional love that I will cherish and keep in the forefront of my mind for as long as I possibly can.

Caitlin said our drum major prayer. Two sentences in, Cameron was bawling. We held each other and cried and hugged and prayed with feathers tickling our noses and the sound of a band in our ears and tears practically running down our uniforms.

Ed said we were a year of drum majors to be remembered.

Tanner Atkinson made my life. After finals, he hugged me and told me he didn't know me at all when I was announced as drum major. Then at the beginning of the season, he didn't like me. But as he got to know me and as he saw me improving, he grew to like me more and more and said I was once of his best drum majors. He just made me bawl because I knew I was the crazy weirdo drum major. But if I could get through to one person, especially one who didn't like me, and make a change for the better I'm them, it would be all worth the complaining g and mean things people said about me.

I learned all the pit's names, and they forgave me never getting to see them before a show.

When they announced that we had won finals, I laughed and cried and screamed and squealed. I shook hands and congratulated people from other schools. I tried to hug as many people as I could. Taylor hugged me like four times and I was shouting and crying the whole time. Rachel and Lexi stayed to watch us and came down to hug me.

The encore was a miracle.

Ed told me I had a smart mouth and that he wished he could've gotten to know me better.

The saxes and the percussion were astonished to see I brought the big trophy on their bus when so many other sections should've and would've taken it. I told them I was looking out for them, and I swear there were tears in a few eyes. Everyone cheered and got to hold it or kiss it or take dorky pictures with it. I felt like I had fought through a jungle with a machete to make them that happy, and I felt blessed.

I sat next to Tony in church. There were brilliant songs chosen ("All Creatures of Our God and King, In Humility Our Savior, and How Great Thou Art.) I was so very disappointed we only got to sing one verse of the last verse because I loved listening to Tony sing. His voice was so different than his normal half-screechy fake singing voice, and to hear switch from bass to tenor to bass and miss a few notes here and there the same way I was singing was a brilliant picture of music and devotion that I can't even explain. With his bow tie and minimal and hilarious comments/looks and the hopefully not creepy realization that his eyes are blue, he was a perfect church partner. Dang, I sound creepy.

Logan and Lydia took pictures at the temple. Afterward, I got him to agree that it was "totes adorbs."

We sang the friend song. I cried my eyes out. I hugged Logan. I cried my eyes out. Spencer told me I now I have time to get a boyfriend and a job. I cried my eyes out. I hugged as many people as I could. I cried my eyes out. I thanked Tanner for his comments. I cried my eyes out. I hugged Caitlin. I cried my eyes out. Camille apologized for never being able to tell me how much she loved my energy and spirit and service. I cried my eyes out. Ed hugged me goodbye. I cried my eyes out. Bryton mello-kissed me. I cried my eyes out. Abby told me I was spunky again. I cried my eyes out. I hugged Cameron. I cried my eyes out. I gave Mille the shirt I made him with everyone's signatures. I cried my eyes out. I told Seth I would see him again. I cried my eyes out. We took Solei home. I cried my eyes out.

I can't even begin to describe everything that happened on tour. It was all so funny, relieving, magical, painful, enlightening, exhilarating, peaceful, powerful, perfect. I couldn't have asked for a better year.

It was no mistake that I moved to Utah halfway through high school. I was given the chance of a lifetime, and I took hold of that chance. I am forever indebted to Miller and the kids in this band for helping to win me a championship. No matter how many times Miller praises us, me, I wouldn't have won anything at all. It was all y'all.

Congratulations, good job, and I love you.