Streetlights Continued

I hate when you have a semi-beautiful day, a day where you can lay on the floor all of band class and talk with Sam wistfully about sad memories and listen to the epitome of sex (Maroon 5) and spend the last class period with Ms. Barnhart and attempt to march in bare feet in the warm sun and get ice cream with Sam and Caitlin and the other flutes and then practice rifle and mace and read Paper Towns while you listen to them at flute choir and have Sam say she loves John Green. You have this nice day, and then your family enters the picture.

Your grandma won't stop messing around with your mace and looking like an idiot and then realizing that her pants were unzipped and unbuttoned. Your mom turns the car around to drive past Sam Bateman since I talk about him sometimes and she actually says she wants to stalk him and that I can just slump in my seat if I want. Then my grandma says that he's attractive. I feel completely sick since I haven't eaten anything except the ice cream in 6-7 hours an had hardly eaten anything at all the whole day. We pick up the kids and everyone's screaming and shouting and it takes us 10 minutes just to order dinner cuz everyone's too loud. Some organization of college boys walks past and my grandma tells me to control myself. We get home and my brother fights with my mom for an hour. My grandma is still here, meaning I can't get anything out of my room. I can't focus, and I'm fairly certain I got sunburned today.

I hate my family, and I hate myself for hating my family. Nathan's still dead, and Micaiah will never be mine, no matter how many stories I tell Sam or anyone else about him. I really want to just go curl up under a street light and fall asleep and not have to be around any more people. People just make me sad or mad and hurt, or I make them feel that way. The only people, person even, is thousands of miles away, doing her homework and being beautiful.

I want to be Margo. I want to be able to run away and still take care of myself. But I could never do that. I am drum major. I am Emma. There is a whole world counting on me and I'll never be able to hide.

Nobody cares, surely. I certainly hope they don't. That would make things easier.

Gosh darnit, I just want to smile. I want him to be alive. I want to have never heard this song. I want to kiss someone, but not actually someone, just anyone who my soul would want to kiss. I want my daddy to be home and I want my birthday to be over and done with and I don't want any presents from my family. I just want Sam to always be okay.

I just want a streetlight of my own.