This week

I'm torn on what to write about

because there's moments where you feel so happy when shortly before you had been crying, when it all seems impossible because you've begun to doubt that beauty exists not just for the outside world but for you, when what was rough became smooth and when the stars were so clear and proud, proud like split-second you, when you expect nothing and hope for everything and it doesn't matter what happened because opportunity and chance and choice are out there waiting, as you're frozen, stuck between elation and despair, feet sticking to the chilled ground, and you realize that maybe something matters, and maybe you matter

but then there are moments when you see people you love grow, and they make you so happy and scared all at the same time as you prepare them as best as you can, when you turn up the music so loud and they're actions reflect the intensity of the music and the task at hand, when you finally feel in charge and people smile even when I say something really dumb, when you see those bright, shining, frightened, and fierce stares and you think "that used to be me" and you just pray for them, then I realize what a good leader is and I am strengthened all the more

and then there are those when watch Pitch Perfect and even though you don't have a character for your own, you still feel bad because you always give girls a hard time, but honestly they're mostly the best

and then you just need to go to bed.