Janelle Made Me Cry

I had my last family show tonight, unless I do Wasatch. I doubt I'll do Wasatch.

But how do I know what will happen? What if I don't get any more scholarships and can't go to Utah State? What if I do? How will my life have any sort of structure when I don't have lunch in the hall to look forward to, where I don't actually eat and laugh til I might cry and shirk all responsibilities? What will I do with band and guard long behind me? How will I occupy my time? Someday, I'll be married and have children and no other friends and what will I do? I love just dancing and playing video games and acting like an idiot with my friends. Mothers don't do that. Adults don't do that.

And what will happen when I forget everything? When I forget screaming about the Lizzie Bennet Diaries and Once Upon A Time and Doctor Who? When I forget about the chinabears? When I forget what is was like to cry with Cam or dance with Tony? When I forget Gretch's sweaters or Erin's faces? When I forget all the talks I had with Caitlin and Sabrina and Breanne? And what about Bradan's hugs? Or how kind Davis was to me? Or Sam's hair and laugh and heart? Logan will still love sushi, but I won't care. The guardies and gingers and jazz band will continue even when I can't recall their names. Next year, the band will go to Grand Nats, and it won't matter to me. Everything will be gone.

What happens to my world, my life, my soul when this happens? Does it fall apart? Does it end? Does it slowly sink away into loneliness and anxiety as I realize that I have lost the things most important to me?

Janelle just had to go and link to John Denver.