Mother Bird

This is ridiculous.

He is an adult. Nineteen and a half years old. Bipolar, but plenty smart enough. And he just has to go and get involved with a girl who just turned sixteen. Except it's not just any girl who just turned sixteen, it's her. The girl he tried to escape, the girl who who he couldn't stand, who abused herself and lost his respect, who hurt him, who cussed him out to my face multiple times. The girl he claimed to hate and swore he would never talk to again. According to sources aka I had to hear it from somebody else, he hung out with her and was a total idiot and now she's getting all vulnerable and I'm sitting here not giving a damn about her and wanting to beat him like the terrible person I am.

It's like I'm his parent; he never wants to talk to me under normal circumstances, but when's there's a problem, he comes running to me looking for magical solutions I'll whip out in the form of an email to a teacher or soccer coach or ex-girlfriend. Naturally, he wouldn't tell me about something like this, but being his mom, I found out about it somehow, and I am so frustrated. I try so hard to help him, to be there for him, to chase away the suicidal thoughts and welcome any positive ideas he has. I can see all the potential he has and all I've done to inspire and contribute to that greatness, and then he just goes back to his old habits, feelings, girls. And I know that nothing will come out of this and he will feel so sad and angry and hurt and he. Will come. To me.

I just want him to be happy. Can't he see that? But almost as much as I want him to be happy, I want happiness for myself. It is so hard to watch him engage in douchebaggery and idiotic and quite possibly behavior and to continue to have feelings of unconditional love. Many of his recent actions create an image of himself that paints over the fond memories of him, of us.

What am I to do? I need to support him, I always have had to, have wanted to. But what happens when his self-destructive behaviors start destroying me?

/end rant

"All you do is take, and I have nothing to give right now."

/end movie quote I watched today that matches up with and/or continues the rant

/real end rant