Lost Opportunities

I can't play my horn. Even with wax over my cursed new braces, I have to curl up in a ball in my chair, writhing in pain and trying not to cry, every time I finish playing a passage with the tone I've had since elementary school. Even without the braces, though, I probably wouldn't be able to play any of these beautiful pieces. I suck too much and have never put in the practice. Ever. I know that it's my fault.

I keep letting the boy I love (and by "love," I mean "like") slip through my fingers. After chickening out of kissing him and deciding once and for all to tell him how I feel, I have watched him walk through my life, ever so casually, ever so cool. I basically had the perfect situation fall in my lap today, and I didn't say anything. I fear I will never make a move and we'll forever exist as a stalemate. I know that it's my fault.

I should've been nicer to my dog. I should have showed him how much I loved him. I should be at the vet's office right now as he's being put to sleep. He's probably dead by now, and I can't change anything. I know that it's my fault.

•••

I've been breaking down for the past few weeks. I've had kind souls in my life, always ready and willing to pick me up and piece me back together. But I don't know what to do. I feel I'm letting them down every time I start crying in their arms, moping around at lunch and practice, almost literally wishing I would just die. I don't know what to do.

I know something's wrong with me. I sure as hell know that it's my fault.

I was safe in my fortress alone 'til you came and tore it all down