People think I'm a star, that I'm a drum major, the first colorguard drum major, the one who brings about the unification of Germany (so to speak). Everyone's expectations of me are magnificently higher; guard expects me to represent and be a freakin boss, band expects me to be darn freaking good and prove that a guard girl actually deserves this.
They're expecting this from the girl who cried for hours at practice because she was taken out and physically hurt and pissed off. I kept thinking of the two people who believed the most in my guard abilities, Micaiah and Taylor, and repeating in my head, "Micaiah's gone, Taylor's wrong. Micaiah's gone, Taylor's wrong." I imagined feeling everyone's eyes on me and seeing their respect for me steadily fall.
And yet, I got the star award. I knew they would give it to me, but had still spent hours hoping and praying they'd change their mind. I got it solely on the fact that I made drum major, and the last one I got was for learning "the whole show" in four days when I moved here. It really wasn't all that much and it kind of felt like a "Hello! We are going to give you the award we present for high merit to you, new stranger, since we have no gift to present." I just don't like getting the star award for reasons I feel are not related to guard.
I feel I am a "red giant" star, gaining energy and expanding but never before. But that means I'm a dying star, waiting to blow up and be ignored by the universe until billions of years down the road, someone sees our pinpoint of light. Before though, I'm just hoping to.not become a diminished, helpless, depressing white dwarf...
(though we all know that not possible cuz I'm Mexican)
Husband and Wife
1 day ago
Dear Emma,
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you'll ever see this. Maybe you will, maybe you won't. I don't know how blogs work, so I really don't know. But if you don't, I think that anyone who does can agree with me that this needs to be said.
You are amazing. You are a star. The first day you came to band practice and were wearing a Beetles t-shirt, I knew that you and I would get along. And then you had Phineas and Ferb fruit snacks, and I was so happy. My parents were tired of hearing about you by the end of the week, but so happy that I was so excited about someone new when I find it so hard to open up to new people. Heck, I find it hard to open up to anyone. But you changed that.
Emma, you are a star. You shine so brightly, that it's impossible for me to fall back into the darkness that I always seemed to be fighting off at one point or another. You are my best friend, and I thank God every day for that. I can be myself around you, and as awkward as that sometimes is, you never hate me for it. I can be a white girl with a man's last name, or just a stupid teenager with boy troubles. Either way, you have always been there for me to talk to.
I love you my little Texican. You are a star. Never forget that. Who cares about the expectations of others? As a great man once said, "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter, don't mind."(Dr. Seuss)
You matter to me, little Texican, and I want you to know that are a lot of people out there who you matter a lot to also. And all we expect of you, is you. So go ahead and make me do push-ups when I start singing on the field at band camp, but don't hide your smile when you hear what I'm singing. Just shine, and shine as brightly as you can. Because that's the only Emma I want. Not Drum Major Emma. Not Guard-Turned-Boss Emma. Just Emma. Because that's the one who shines the brightest. :)
Most Very Sincerely From My Heart,
Sierra
P.S. You did NOT get the star award simply because you made Drum Major. I was in on the process, so I know. You got it because you are a hard worker, a great friend to everyone, and so dang stubborn that you never stop until you get it right. The star award had been coming to you for a long time, that nigh just seemed to be a good night to give it to you is all. (And really? Learning the entire show in four days when it took a lot of the other girls a week and longer to learn it that well? That's pretty danged impressive!)
ReplyDelete-Sierra